Wednesday, February 24, 2016

A Journal By Some Guy 84

I just LOLed for real Journ. I literally haven't blogged for a month. Like, if you checked your dates, this post will be a month and a day behind the last.

And adding insult to injury, yesterday was my birthday.

You'd think shitty blogger that I am, at least I would've made a blog about it on the actual day. Nah. None of that. Birthdays from now on are Sloth Days. Don't expect me to do shit I don't want to do.

Fuck that Journ, that's my time.

Oh. If you're not on a Gravity Falls marathon, then I don't what to say to you. I mean...fuck Hirsch you're killing me! It's over?! It can't be! How dare you leave me with such profound melancholy?

It's so good. Like cheesecake or great sex or better still, eating cheesecake after great sex.

It's all so kinda dark. I hate to say it but I'm actually impressed that Disney took a chance on it. There's also the Rick and Morty nod which makes it extra surreal.

You'll pardon me if I meander a bit here Journ. It's not so much that I have to update you on what has happened or that I have much to say. It's more in the line of me having little to say about many things.

I was talking with the Clone one day. It meandered from setting up espers, pact beasts, and deities in the game to work. Not wanting to dwell on it's more intolerable aspects, I asked if a woman who works there had a boyfriend. My brother corrects me. She's married. She has been looking at the both of though. Her being in a committed relationship somehow intrigues me. Thus, I question my own morality. I might just write a story about it.

Trap music is garbage. Personal opinion here but listening to Trap Queen left a bad taste in my ears. If they could only vomit sound.

This is what's popular now. I am disturbed. I want to rap again. My flow is pretty good. My content is questionable at times.

But a friend yesterday made it simple for me. You've got to sound good and you've got to have something to say. That is something I can grasp. The thing is Journ, I can't be like these other rappers. I have to find my own thing completely separate from what's going on now.

It's like having a rubix cube for a sword. Pay attention.

I'm finding putting the head into extreme angles pretty daunting. They say you can picture it as a box. That helps a little but not much. It's basically made of two shapes. A cone and a sphere. Moving around the sphere is easy. Even the cone is a shape easily managed. The two overlapping is a puzzle.

But I keep failing at it and will continue to do so because the goal is worth it. Until I can officially go back to school for it, teaching myself is the best I can do.

And as a side note, how meta is drawing what you see? As a sentient being, you're basically the universe observing itself. But to observe yourself and then to create something completely different from what is observed.

Are you then not only the universe observing itself but a universe reinterpreting itself?

Sometimes when I dream I know it means something.

But the why of it eludes me.

In the last dream I was on a farm. Or something akin to one.

Do you know Journ that sunsets are horrible for those that wear glasses? You get more glare than necessary.

I was shading my eyes. There were kids frolicking with dogs and a pet pig I think. They were in uniforms but not like the school variety.

I sighed. School was over and so were their other lessons. They had no reason to be in uniform still. They should be home with their parents and yet...

They called me something. What I don't remember but they heard I'd be here with the-the cattle? I felt there was some sort of animal involved. They had found me though and they wanted...a story? I'm not quite sure but they all gathered around...

Which reminds me. Someone once told me I'm destined to be a leader.

There are times where I feel the urge to do so. For what reason, I don't know. I would think it selfish to lead someone for my own ambitions purely. I also think it equally unethical for me to lead purely because someone wished me to.

At the same time, I'm not built to blindly follow anyone or anything. I think I might be incapable of that save for a life or death situation.

I try to question my logic for I know that by virtue of being human, my logic is inherently flawed. If I do such for myself, why not others? It's not a matter of distrust. It's just logical. Humans are self interested by design. The way we think is clouded by our desires.

So what did I desire in the dream? What do I desire in reality? What is the logic of desire in either scenario?

Every time I dream, I lead. People trust me. Somehow, I've proven myself capable. In reality, I have not done this and in a fashion, I don't really desire to. Leadership is hard. It's lonely. You're Sacrifice. You have to make a choice even when all of them are bad. That's not something I'd wish on anybody.

I suppose Journ you could weather it if you didn't give a fuck about people. You know, if their disdain or disapproval didn't mean much to you. Oh wait...

Now I was drinking last night. It was my birthday so fuck it.

I don't often come around my friend's house because my work schedule is garbage but I'm going in late today so I could sleep off a hangover if need be.

So we're talking, which is to say, he's doing more talking than me. Which is cool because I'm not chatty anyway and the air is foggy.

The conversation somehow meanders to me. He goes on to say I should feel myself more. I kinda agree in my noncommittal fashion. Then he says how many women I could have if I did.

Now Journ, I'll let you in on a secret. During any given interaction or observation, I detach myself and observe it. It's kinda like I'm watching what I'm watching. A little me sitting in a control room drinking coffee and being skeptical.

Could I Journ? I wonder sometimes if it's my imagination that women are staring at me. I cannot imagine why. Seriously. My brain kinda goes fuzzy to think of it. But what if?

Plus, if I do rap and it goes somewhere logic forbid, I'd have to work on some kind of image right? It stands to reason.

I never consider how I look. Again. Brain fuzzies. It's like the little me isn't diverting brain power to that. I mean, I would like a female friend to take me shopping and dress me. Why? Because I have no idea what I'm doing fashion wise. Again, no brain power allotted.

Pay attention Journ. Things are connected.

When I write, it's basically creating something out of daydream. To me, a daydream can be more intense because you're somewhat aware of it.

A character or a story for me is born this way. The other parent is waking reality. Something I've seen or experienced being reinterpreted and paired with something fantastic.

I told a friend recently that I have new ideas for stories and what have you daily. I have no doubt that she believed me but I don't think she understood the profundity of that admission.

While I was listening to music with my friend, he was kinda freestyling a bit. Me? I was writing words in my head and repeating them so I wouldn't forget.

A story like Twin Peaks is stuck in my head. A romantic comedy. Sort of like a K-drama I think. In fact, one of the main characters looks Korean. The other lead is an African American woman. It sort of felt right that she be that way. There is weirdness abound but it's not so much horrifying as it is mysterious and awkward. So far fairies, a sphinx, an alien with a broken ship, and a vampire are involved.

I've been thinking about the practicality of exoskeleton for awhile now. I run into two problems always. Powering it and how bulky it is. It's not feasible to think of an exoskeleton moving in precise tandem with a user, as by definition it has to move around the body. I love Iron Man but technically none of that holds weight in reality. So far, I've sacrificed the notion of an exoskeleton that moves all together at once. If it moves in parts at certain times it's more believable. Maybe you need to leap off a building. Preparing a skeleton to do just that could work. Also, the thought of synthetic muscle fibers in tandem with a skeleton has promise as an electrical current stimulating it might use less energy..

The next bit of smut I put out is going to be inappropriate because that's just where I am now. I mean, if you can't do somethings in real life and not have consequences, why not write it out? I don't exactly know what her name was but she was a character in The Underneath stories I wrote. She's perfect for it. I mean, the last scene I wrote her in had all her orifices filled. I know men and women shame women for being sexual but I find that shit liberating. I mean honestly, you want your woman to do this and that for you, where do you think she's gonna learn it? Suddenly, for you, she's a porn star? Just like that? Unrealistic how we as men are lauded for our whoredom but women are supposed to be whores who were never whores? Oxymoron.

And I'm thinking of putting a coalition of sorts together which I suppose goes back to leadership in a fashion. It's more of a business promotion thing I believe. I'd like to help out local businesses and charity if possible but, I've no idea how to go about it...

Ideas Journ are always bouncing around in my head, begging to be made into reality. At thirty three, I'd think I'd have come to some epiphany about life but I haven't. I believe because life is a daily epiphany of sorts. You have to remind yourself why you're here and what you're doing. Perhaps that always stays the same. Maybe it changes. Maybe I try to go after women more now. Maybe I just keep respecting them as human beings. Perhaps some joining of the two.

I only know to follow my bliss. Writing and drawing is bliss and so, I follow these things for now. Sex is also in there along with anime. That'll work until it doesn't.

In the mean time, keep in mind...

Saturday, January 23, 2016

A Journal By Some Guy 83

So my GameBoy was stolen at work.

They left the games though which indicate that they're probably going to sell it or play it. An opportunistic snatch. Ratchet criminal handiwork.

I am not angry though. I've got the games. I was just playing Super Smash Bros on it anyway. I still have Fantasy Life which I was meaning to get back to anyway. I can probably look online for another DS or just go for the 3DS. Or just skip all of that and start saving for a PS3.

Or better still, not have a distraction while I study.

The car got hit too I think. The left side of the front bumper is gone, exposing the wheel. It's like the car has half a jaw now.

But it's clean though, the break is. The rest of the bumper is intact. It's past due for me to try and get a new car. I'd like to believe the universe is just telling me to get on with that. It drives alright and it's not like I'm driving to Jacksonville or across country. It will due until I can find something better.

I was buying Alka Seltzer at the gas station on Orlando Drive and Airport Boulevard. We just had dinner at IHOP and as it's right across from there, convenience demands we drop by there. I go around the store looking in their meager medicine display before spotting them behind the counter. I ask for two. I hand him my money. He puts it on the counter as my hand is out, awaiting my change.

No. Never again shall they have my business. Do not disrespect me and think you can have my currency. I actually find it refreshing to know that somebody thinks themselves better than me when they obviously aren't. It's comical really that any human should feel superior to another. It is a sign of low intelligence to even entertain the idea. Irony at its finest.

My friend told me about a guy that got too fresh with her at work.,,,I'm putting this mildly.

I was half a heartbeat from asking, "Might I wait for you after work?" so that I could accidentally run into this pile of horseshit and beat his face in. Nothing makes me see red quicker than someone I know being victimized. Male or female. Straight or gay. I don't care. No one has the right to bully or assault you and I'll be damn if I sit by and let that happen.

I still want to throttle him.

I'm not going to Journ. I really want to but I am not because there are consequences for rash decisions like that. She has to deal with it her way. I cannot deal with this for her. I'm an outsider looking in. My grasp of the situation is tenuous at best.

I don't like being angry. It puts me in an illogical place. Not using critical thinking to ascertain what must be done isn't how I function.

The GameBoy is a thing. I can buy another one. The car is falling apart. I'd have to get one no matter what. That store is awful. They did the Clone that way. I should've stop going when hearing that.

As much I cringe to think it, beating the shit out of random people is playground reasoning. There are better avenues to go about revenge and reciprocity. Legal ways.

I'm not saying anger isn't necessary Journ. It is. When you've been done a wrong, you should feel slighted and perhaps you should act on that impulse. I only caution that one thinks before they act.

Monday, January 18, 2016

A Journal By Some Guy 82

Kaizen: a Japanese business philosophy of continuous improvement of working practices, personal efficiency, etc.

Two of my cousins died recently Journ. The most recent was one from my mother's generation. The second one was a first cousin. She leaves behind a daughter.

In some ways, I worry over death, my mother's in particular. It seems are family is dying constantly.

Life is fragile. We take many daily things for granted. Somehow we fool ourselves into thinking things will always be the way they are. That is not life. Such a view is counterproductive from my perspective.

I've not really been on Facebook for about two weeks. One night I just deleted it out of my phone. It freed up so much space, digitally and mentally.

Don't misunderstand me Journ. Social media is good in that it can rapidly spread information. It's just, for me, it became a bit too much of a distraction.

Suddenly I had all of this extra attention that I didn't know I devoted to it. My phone didn't buzz every five seconds. I didn't have to check it.

I've been doing a thirty day art challenge at the behest of a very good friend of mine. I remember the conversation clearly(though inebriated)because of her dismay at her lack of drawing talent. She was sure she wasn't going to keep up with me. Then I said, "I don't expect you not to fail, I just want you to try."

Journ I saw the light bulb click over her head. She said, "Oh? Is that all? I thought you'd expect more of me." It was like finding a piece of a puzzle you didn't know was in front of you. She goes on to say that at day five, she'll bow out. It's day eighteen and she is still in.

And so am I. Consistency I have confused with proficiency. I thought the wrong one came before the other.

As an artist, my largest frustration is not seeing my improvement. You try and try and set aside time and put in effort but you just don't see it. I expected this in a day and a half, not a year or so....and definitely not a span of days.

Kaizen is taking little steps to get where you're going. Rarely does anyone skip to success. Even while working out Journ I apply this. For example, trying to figure out how to improve my workout, I recognized a weakness; I wasn't doing squats. For some reason, guys don't do squats. It's weird. Women do them all the time. So I go further to learn how to do them properly. You must break parallel. This means the tops of your thighs must come below your knees when you come down. Many claim to do squats without doing this. It's incorrect and you could hurt yourself. I've seen this personally a few days ago.

I do not claim to be an expert in anything. I do not think I ever will Journ. There is always room for improvement. The pursuit there of isn't in vain if you understand perfection is impossible. If you see something not fitting, figure out why. While doing these challenges, I've resorted to "cheating" by using tutorials for things I don't know how to draw. Unknowingly, I've trained myself to do some basic things that I've should have been doing for years.

It's like Skyrim. I'm discovering a skill tree and applying points to what I want. Redguard all the way? Yes Journ of course please and thank you. I'm trying to get my Drawing up so I can sketch figures, plants, backgrounds, and comics. 

Then I can have Dragon Bone Armor as well because we melee fighters all want that. Plus I'll be able to draw hentai on Tumblr with color.

All of this takes time though and the willingness to fail. You will fail. That's an eventuality. Accept that you won't be amazing. Ever. Will she be able to draw any? I don't know. Will I? I must believe yes. If only because I won't be satisfied until I do. Will I pass this exam? I don't know. Many don't. Will I stop studying because I might fail? No.

It's like the Zen quote says, "Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water." We're so focused on what will happen when we achieve a goal that we forget what we must to get there. It seems like drudgery because it is. Following Sycra on Youtube and failing at doing things that seem easy to him is frustrating.Making flash cards for these vocab words is boring. Doing these challenges and seeing how bad I draw is disheartening. Not finding enough time to workout pisses me off. That's fine though. I'm suffering for what I want. Chopping wood and carrying water. As long as it's for what I truly want, I can make my peace with it.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Quickies: Oral Duties

He didn't want to admit that the haunted house was somewhat scary considering that it was a hasty construction of sorts, built in a lot on off of 436. It was plywood and sheets than anything else with random furniture shrouded in darkness. They gave them a glow stick as the only real source of light, warning them not to lose it inside.

Silver didn't like that Suzy got theirs snatched early even after he cautioned her to wait for him and to be alert. She ran ahead into the darkness, chuckling about how stupid it all was. Not a second later, Suzy cursed. All the I told you sos couldn't make him feel better about being vindicated.

The rest of the way went much the same. Suzy cursed every time she got surprised. Silver's only saving grace was that he didn't yelp like a girl. Still he was blindsided several times. Trying to spot them made it worse. A good ninja he would not make.

Suzy was trying to play cool as well. She would suppress a scream then run into his arms. Afterwards she feigned ignorance, pushing him off and calling him scared. One advantageous actor popped out of a crate in a especially shady corner. That scream she couldn't catch in time. She shivered like a leaf in the wind, tucking her face into chest like a kitten seeking warmth. For a few moments they stayed like that. The rest of the way they held hands.

It was balmy outside the house. The wind tousled her ink black mane as they made their way around the roped queue. He was sure it made for a sight, his six foot, lanky frame being pulled by her five foot four, curvy one. Silver was pretty sure he should be pulling her.

He sensed that she was in hurry however. She was already chatting on her phone. " this party is legit? The fuck does that even mean? Costume?....Nope. Fuck that. I'm coming to get drunk..."

Getting on the phone in the middle of a date was rude. Suzy was rude naturally though. Normally he'd get mad but he had a thing himself. It could make things easier if she had plans. He drifted to a stand to get a funnel cake. Sherlock and Ninth Doctor were arguing with Spock and what appeared to be Bane if he was skinnier. It was something about the new Ant Man movie and how it would tie into Civil War. It was a message board made flesh, racial epithets and all.

"Silver. Is this is for me?" She was saying this with a piece already in her mouth. She licked the sugar from her fingers. He lifted it above his head before she could pilfer another. "Well be that way. I gotta go to this fucking Halloween party on campus. I know you don't wanna come so it's cool if I go?"

He cocked his head at that. "You're asking me if it's alright?"

She rolled her eyes. "I know you're just going to go home and smoke yourself to sleep. You might've wanted to eat my pussy being the mouth whore that you are."

"Mouth whore?" He didn't think her crassness could ever upset him. Every time she proved him wrong.

"Yeah. You're a whore with you're mouth." She smiled at his discomfort. Her dark eyes glittered through her unruly bangs. He wiped sugar off or her lips. Suzy captured his index finger in her mouth. Her warm, wet tongue ran up and down it.

"So are you." He whispered.

"Sure you don't want me to stay?" He knew her nipples were poking through her shirt. She hardly ever wore a bra. The darkness of them were clear through the white fabric.

She was rubbing on his erection through his jeans. Of course he did but he couldn't. Not tonight. "You better run ahead. If it turns out crappy, come back to me." Her fingers found a way through his zipper. As she stroked, he could feel him stiffen.

"Don't go to sleep." She said breathing hard. "Even if I don't come back, I might need some phone sex."


It smelled like Sprite in his room.

Bong Yoda set next to a matching green lighter. They both took on a neon glow from his computer screen. The latest piece from Janus Avery's Gentleman Vampire series was on the screen. He knew he shouldn't be high before doing business. He needed it to deal with Janus though. Pot helped. "I'm just saying, trading blood while giving head is kinda gross."


"And how would a guy stay hard if you're sucking blood out his dick? Does that make sense to you?" His Southern drawl made him sound just like his grandmother. He could imagine one leg bouncing over the other in mimicry as well. "That doesn't make sense to me."

"Janus." Silver sighed. The couch lock made him rock back in his swivel chair. He wanted Suzy with a fierceness. His erection had flopped out of his pajama bottoms. "It doesn't have to make sense and you know it. It's mystical OK? Like magic or something. Vampire logic."

"OK. I got that but does it have to all be about that? I mean, can't their magical butt sex too?"

"With blood Janus? Bloody butt sex? Because, you know, he's a gentleman vampire last I checked."

"You're just being obtuse as usual." He could hear the pout in his voice. Silver wasn't going to let this go though. The part where Alphonse inducts another trainee into his coven was wrong without the bloody fellatio. Regular biting to turn someone wasn't what The Gentleman Vampire did. As his editor, he had to take Janus to task for it.

"Look, the last book that had a vampire sucking off a guy as he sucked a guy set Tumblr on fire for a week. A week is an eternity on Tumblr Janus. The fujoshi went crazy. There was fanfiction and fan art. Gentlemen Vampire yaoi was everywhere. Wasn't there?"

He could tell by his sigh that his cherub faced friend was relenting. "There was."

"Good. I'm not asking for anything too different. Have him turn the playwright. Just have him do the fellatio thing instead of the regular turning troupe."

"Whatever you say boss. You're the recluse editor worth more than anybody around you." He snapped.

"Janus. Come on." He was too high and horny for that old argument.

"You better come out of the closet soon Silver."


"Does Suzy know?"

"Know what?" Silver was lighting up another bowl.

"That you edit my books and make tons of money off of them?" The question shouldn't have caught him off guard. The way he phrased it made it stick in his brain. Was he hiding this from her?

"It's not because it's gay erotica, it's just..." What was it? What was making heart flutter? "...I just don't want anyone to make a big deal out of it."

"But it is Silver! Shit. She probably thinks you rent that attic out, not that you own the whole goddamn house." He sighed. "Honey, you can go anywhere in the world. You don't need that job. Nothing's keeping you in Sanford. Stop hiding from the world. Tell Suzy. You never know what she might say."

"Janus I-" The theme from Gangsta blared from his Galaxy. She was either on her way or already here. It was always a coin flip with her. "Look I gotta go. Rewrite the scene and don't switch perspective in the middle. That's a rookie mistake."

"The HBIC beckons." He chortled. "Will do sweety. Do tell her I asked after her."


"I'm your girlfriend and shit. I shouldn't have to knock. That's why I called your phone."

Suzy was short enough for her oversized Care Bear shirt to pass her knees. She wore not her trademark shades nor one of her god awful trucker caps. Her hair was free to snake down the middle of her back smelling of shampoo. Her heart shape face was open and her eyes glittered like a starry night. There was Jamaican food in one arm and her purse in the other. The party must have been a dud. He wondered when she found time to change?

In that instant he knew he loved her and hated himself for lying. "You're high. Already. Without me. You motherfucker." She snarled. "At least help me with this shit so that I can smoke too. Fuck. I knew I shouldn't have gone all the way to fuckin' UCF. Fuckin' bobble headed bitches..."

He wrapped his arms around her shoulders. Pressing himself against her, he wasn't surprised to find she wore nothing underneath. A fine sheen of sweat plastered the shirt to her body. "Inapprops man. Shit in my hands and I'm still not high." She wiggled free of him. Her hard nipples poked through the Care Bear. "Take this shit."

Shoving the food and her purse into his hands, she squeezed passed him through the doorway, her flip-flops slapping her feet. He watched what little backside she had bounce against the fabric of her shirt. It made his mouth water knowing it was just out of reach.

Then the guilt hit him again. Hard. He had been lying to her. If it had been anyone else, he might be able to cope.

She was his best friend. There were no lies between them.

Except the fact that he had edited all the books of the hottest gay romance author since, well, anybody. And he was actually rich....

The physical burdens didn't slow his pace up the stairs. The apprehension was scattering his brain. He wanted to tell her but the ice in his gut said different. He knew it could be a bad idea. That she'd be angry or worse, might leave him.

That shocked him. Silver was actually afraid he might lose Suzy.

"The fuck took you so long? Oh right. You're higher than a fuckin' kite."  She was sitting in his computer chair, packing the slide Yoda cradled in his hands. The light from his question block lamp made her hair look that much wilder. "This shit smells so good which pisses me off so bad that you didn't wait."

"I love you." He blurted out in his doorway. Suzy almost choked as she inhaled. Stoner that she was though, she recovered. It came out of her lungs in a stream instead of her usual cloud.

She still coughed a bit after that though, turning her back to him as she composed herself. He came in and unloaded everything on his table. Suzy wasn't coughing so much as quiet by then.

He may have betrayed himself. She knew him too well. Perhaps he wanted to do just that.

Suzy turned around in his swivel chair fast enough to hit her knee against his computer tower. She hissed and tried to play it off by running her fingers through her hair. "Of course you love me...I'm me motherfucker." She laughed. "And I love your goofy ass too."

Silver realized he was grinning ear to ear. The expression felt strange on his face, like putting on a piece of clothing he never knew he had. Suzy of course noticed this; she was hyper observant but said nothing.

A dreamy smile was on her face as she packed a second bowl. Silver was spreading out the Styrofoam containers just to give his hands something to do as his mind tried to puzzle out what Suzy would do next. "You don't say it a lot."

"Say what?" Silver of course knew what she meant.

"Don't be dumb." She swirled the green Bic around before moving the slide. Wasting butane as usual. Suzy exhaled a cloud this time, coughing softly before leaning back in his chair. He couldn't help but watch her small, chubby frame jiggle. The shirt rode up her lightly tanned thighs, revealing the slick, curling hair on her mound. She lifted her leg on the arm rest. Silver could feel his dick swell. His mouth watered.

"I like when you say it though." She whispered. "It makes me feel...warm."

His eyes locked with hers. Before he knew it, her fingers were exploring herself. A moan escaped her lips. Suzy might as well have reeled him in. He drifted towards her, letting his erection peek through the buttons of his pants.

Her mouth was open. Her tongue hung out as he slid into her hot mouth. Suzy suck slow. Spittle started to drip down her mouth and onto Grumpy Bear's face.

"I'm such a mouth whore for you." She Mmmmed as Silver began fucking said mouth. Silver lifted her shirt, revealing her dark brown nipples. He twisted and teased them. Suzy moaned and squirmed. Her fingers probed deeper. He could see wetness cling between her two fingers.

He took those fingers, licking away her nectar. Silver knew she enjoyed when he enjoyed her taste. She put his free hand behind her head, forcing more of him down her throat. She gagged as he sucked her fingers dry.

"No...not yet..." Suzy whined as he pulled away from him. "I want bad...."

"I know you do." He was on his knees in front her. She was already scooting forward, her butt cheeks hanging off the chairs edge as she pulled her legs back. Her clit was so swollen, he swore it would burst.

It was his tongue at first, probing and exploring the folds of her vagina. She was shaking already, as he took long, slow licks. Silver never started off fast; he always warmed her up. It set her body on fire being denied the instant gratification he could give her.

"Oh god, oh god, oh please," He sucked on her clit like a lollipop, rolling it between his lips as he slurped it. If she was squirter, she would have skeeted in his face by now. Instead she leaked, her juices running down the crack of her ass and on the chair. It made his chin glisten in the lamplight. She pushed his face deeper between her legs.

"I wanna suck you again..." She groaned as he slipped a knobby finger into her. Suzy's wall squeezed it as he worked her spot, kneading it as he slurped her pussy. Her thighs started to shake. "Oh shit, I'm about to-"

Silver hopped to his feet and in the same moment pushed the length of himself into her convulsing pussy. Her eyes opened just in time to see him licking on her neck. He groaned into her ear. "You're cumming." He hissed. "I can feel your pussy jumping."

It felt like he was in her stomach. He was pushing her legs and the chair back as he stroked her insides. Her whole body shook with the climax but it wouldn't stop.

"Fuck Suzy. I'm choking your pussy with this dick." He held her so close that only his hips and stomach moved. It felt like he was trying to dig deeper into her with every push. Wetness splashed down her thighs. Suzy dug her fingers into his back. Nothing but clinging to him made sense as he varied his stroke. Deep and fast. Shallow and slow. He fucked her like her orgasms were the only thing that mattered.

"Choke it Silver! Fuck!" She lost her breath. He was going so fast. The sound of their bodies slapping was hypnotic. Silver growled. Suzy gave a wordless cry before screaming.

She came so hard she pushed Silver out. He stumbled back onto his bed. Suzy was shivering, gripping the hand rests of the chair. Her legs were jelly. Thoughts ricocheted inside her head as fireworks exploded inside her belly.

Suzy had to blink several times for the lights to go away. Silver was sprawled on the bed, his erection glistening with her cum.

She went for it like a woman possessed, falling on her knees before him. "Are you-" Silver began before she pushed him down.

"I taste so good on your cock." She said between gulps. "Look at all this cream you got out of me." Suzy licked up his shaft, coating it with spit even as she cleaned him. "Such a good cock. My fucking cock."

"Shit Suzy." Silver hissed. Then, "Fuck Suzy. Just like that. Suck that dick." He could feel the back of her throat as she gagged on him. She didn't need to tell him to grab a handful of black hair nor did he need permission to fuck her mouth.

And he didn't have to tell her to climb on top of him. Her skin was golden. Her brown nipples stiff as he twisted and teased them. Suzy could never pace herself so he wasn't surprised that she was bouncing on him fast. She gyrated her hips, adding another orgasm to her score, before moving slow.

He moaned like he was sleeping off a drunk. She was right around the head of his dick. Each movement made him push past her pussy lips anew. It was like she was sucking him off with her sex, even unto the squeezing her walls around him.

"It's mine." She whispered as she licked his ear.


"Give it to me."

"Ah, goddamn it."

"Your dick is jumping." She pushed herself up, slamming her backside on him hard. "Oh shit!"

"Can't-" He made a sound between scream and a groan. Silver could feel himself pumping into her and Suzy hadn't stopped moving. She was moaning herself, her thighs shaking.

"So good." She said breathlessly. "So good when you nut inside me as I'm cumming." She shook again. "Fuck!"

She collapsed against his chest, his dick still twitched inside of her. Silver wrapped his arms around her as if she might fly away. He was surprised that Suzy snuggled against him. They stayed like, in that sweaty embrace.

He couldn't imagine not having this in his life. "Your dick is still hard." She said into his neck.

"Round two?" He chuckled. Suzy had laid her head on his chest. Her fingers laced into his.

"I love you Silver." He almost didn't hear it. "I always will you know."

"I know."

"I hope you do." She wiggled her hips. "I really hope you do." She purred. "This dick is mine."

He had to tell her he realized. It could ruin this beautiful thing between them but she deserved better.

She was already moving against him and his dick responded in kind.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Mundane Magic: Bushes and Cat Ladies 10

Could they not see?

She was everywhere and nowhere. Her branches and roots doubled back on each other. Everything was in her grasp but she could not keep it all...

The agony was magnificent...

This was it. It all made such sense. Parts of her wept. Others rolled their eyes but all knew the truth of the Yggdrasil and their place in it.

And then from somewhere came an ember. It was a flicker almost ignored until it began to spread.

There should not be fire here. The thought echoed through the cosmos rattling her many minds. The many that she was rushed to find the source. Four were there already.


She woke in a fit, banging the back of her before rolling on her side. She hissed and cursed.

"Rusty!" Matilda growled. She tried to get to her feet but her legs wouldn't obey. Her whole body seemed to be asleep one moment then on fire the next. Always Rusty. But how could that be if she just met him?

She took a breath just before the next spasm hit. Her vision dimmed. Not as bad this time but the heat was still there. The wrongness filled her with more dread than the seizures.

Blinking back tears, she took in her surroundings. She was on a grassy knoll...and that was it. A thick fog surrounded her on all sides as far as she could see. There was no sound. Only flashes of orange that seemed to pulse with the pain shooting through her body. She turned to examine the orange tree, half of it was heavy with fruit, the other skeletal and white.

It drew her to it's trunk which she could swear had not been taller than her nor as far away as it was a second ago.

There wasn't a crack in it either yet there it was, a yawning darkness that glittered with tiny lights. A jolt of pain shot through her doubling her over.She dug her nails into her jeans dry heaving before spitting bile. The nausea roiled through her but Matilda knew she needed to get to the tree.

Magic teaches through pain sometimes Cricket had said. Pain was cleansing he went on, pontificating in his stuttering speech. If that was the case, she thought, she should be clean as a fucking whistle. She was making headway up the knoll, another thing that had consequently changed in size, and every step was agony. The fire leaped from different places, frying her insides with every spasm. Then there were the voices. Some were whispers, others shouting. All of them sounded like her own voice though she knew they weren't her.

Or were they? When she considered this, she got woozy. It was if some force was pushing her away from the thought and it wasn't being gentle. Matilda swayed before her sneaker snagged on a root,

It had morphed again, as did the knoll. The tree was taller but not the towering sentinel it was a moment ago nor was the knoll as small or as green. The void was still there, dividing the trunk height wise putting the fruit on one side and the bare on the other.

Suddenly, a wave of hunger swept over her. Matilda's stomach did not just growl, it was gnawing itself. Leaning on the tree, Matilda tried to gather her bearings. She had just been sick moments ago but now hunger?

As if to answer her question, a single orange dropped from the tree. If she hadn't heard the rustle, it would have fell on her head. Instead, she fumbled for it in her long fingered grasp before cupping it to her chest. Examining it, she found it disappointing. It didn't look magical. There wasn't a glow or abnormality that she could see. It was just a perfect navel orange. She could smell the citrus bite even before she started to peel away its skin. Juice ran down her fingers as she ate the slices pith and all. Before she knew it, she was chewing the peel, savoring its sugary taste. The navel itself was like a smaller orange. She popped into her mouth without a thought. The wave of pleasure that went through her made her moan.

"What...the Hell...was that?" she breathed. Another shiver went up her spine. She looked at the tree again and found its leaves rustling though she felt no wind. Matilda was surprised she was standing without any vertigo. Didn't the Pine Witch say something about fruit? She tried to reach for the memory then the voices started again.

Matilda didn't want to risk the tree changing the dimensions of reality. She pushed away her hesitation and stepped into the darkness.

Cricket had also went at length about doing things automatically when it came to magic. Some actions had no rhyme or reason in some cases. It was if reality had been programmed and you just became a part of it.

Only as an afterthought did it occur to Matilda that stepping into a void might not be a good idea but she hadn't really thought to do anything except that.

There was a brief sense of falling. She saw nothing save darkness and found she could not stare into too long. She blinked.

Then Matilda stumbled. Her feet hit the sudden ground awkwardly and she fell on her backside. Her jeans had snagged on something wet. She saw the culprit. Yet another root? Looking up she found that yes, she was next to a tree. Again. She got to her feet and almost fell again when she looked to the ground.

She saw roots suspended in space. Stars pulsed and comets ricocheted through them. The colors of the cosmos made her head ache in a way that made the voices but whispers. There was death and life on a scale she couldn't fathom. Matilda thought at first she had understood but no. Something had kept her ignorant in the Yggdrasil. Things were not right.

Every light that winked out was a star dead. The dark spots of miasma that swirled, black holes. Planets were being sucked into one, a mere eddy beneath her feet. Sobs shook her as she leaned on the oak tree.

"This is wrong!" She hissed. "These are not my eyes! What trickery is this?" She wasn't in her hemp robes. The leggings were made of something that was unknown to her world but she had saw them before. She took a breath. There was no rattle in her chest. Younger?

"Look down druid or are you afraid?" She was but she would not admit it to him. Could it be? Even after their sordid business was done? "Thought you wouldn't see me again I'll bet. But I knew better even if this you didn't." His laugh was as inhuman as ever, like stone grinding against stone. "Remember. You'll be betrayed three times. I did say that didn't I lass?"

You'll be betrayed three times. He was but the Dragon then and not the masquerade of a man. His voice was thunder echoing through the moors. It had shook her to her soul. This is the first. Matilda had crossed through her Gate intentionally to find him, a dragon, for their power dwarfed that of the Elves. A fraction of it was more than enough for her ends. Rusty. The Pine Witch. All would pay.

All she had to do was put a dragon into a man and make him somewhat immortal. His laughter brought her out of her reverie. "So beautiful." His voice rumbled beneath her. He was like a reflection upon the water, casually walking through the tangle of roots, her roots she realized with horror. The Dragon-In-Man Briec was just as she recalled. A parody of who the warlord was. His chest was too broad with arms and legs almost as thick as trees. The once comely face of Briec was distended by large jaws full of sharp teeth. The one eye he had left burned like a sun. Casually he walked up to a blue star, cradling it in his hands as its cold light illuminated his face. "Tell me my name."


"My name druid. Tell me." His hands closed about the star and pain lanced through the back of her eye. Matilda scrabbled across the ground away from the tree. The pain wasn't so intense but the ache made her breath catch. Where had she gone? Matilda looked into the space beneath her and a wave of vertigo overtook her. Had she been talking? Who was this Hulk portioned man in a kilt and armor?

"You will be betrayed three times!" His voice. It was not a man's. Something was in it. It felt like a hurricane was trying to whisper to her. "It's happened twice. Are you the the third one?"

Matilda didn't know what happened between stepping into a tree and falling into space but she did know that a white birch was ahead of her. Her magic was with trees and shit. Maybe it'll stop her from throwing up as a start.

"Oh this is lovely." She dared not look into his Sauron eye or whatever the Hell he had going on. If she could just get to this tree without passing out. "I shall wait before I taunt you. Yes." He growled. "This pleases me so."

Crawling towards it seemed an eternity. She hoped time was going weird. If not, this would mean she was in a tight spot which would suck because Matilda didn't even know how she got here to begin with. Finally she reached for the white trunk of the tree.

Relief and then surprise flooded through her. She had just gone to sleep after speaking with Adele about the Morrigan. There had been a warning about Briec but she could make no sense of him "tearing at her roots." Though hers was the magic of trees given to her by Cernunnos, that no more made her a tree than it did one of his beasts. She was ready to face the Dragon-In-Man now that he was mortal. The warriors were ready. Revenge was hers for the taking.

But now, the Morrigan's vision proved true in every sense of the word. The heavens were her roots. It was a mad thought but one she couldn't deny. The knowing of it terrified her. The antlered god had spoken truly. The tattoo. The roots that circled and entwined with its own branches. It's meaning was simple and dazzling he said. You will know when it's too late to save it. "You have been betrayed twice." Briec chuckled. Boulders crashing upon boulders. "You destroyed my eye within another's tree. I am apart of you now." He looked down between his sandaled feet. The unabashed joy in his fanged smile sickened her. Something had gone awry. Had his eye not been destroyed?

She was unsure. That smile was the same one he wore at Green Keep. Lord Owen would hang himself at the neck three days later after he learned that Briec's men slaughtered his vassals and burned his farms as the monster lay siege to his castle. He was too good a man to not let such guilt be the end of him. The beast knew it. "Speak plainly monster." She sneered even as looking down made her stomach turn over. "I've no time for yer games."

"Fool girl. In your lust to destroy me, you have doomed countless lives. More than you ever will care to imagine." A clawed finger tapped at a brownish rock. Screams split her head in twain. The Dragon-in Man roared with delight. "This is my fate Cu Matilda. What I truly wanted from you. Slaughtering your clan. Burning Owen's farm. Raping Aoife-"

"YOU RAPED AOIFE?!" Her teacher. The strongest woman she knew. Broken and drunk without the bravery to look her in the eye was how she last saw her. It wasn't Weylin's death. It wasn't her fault. Rage made her walk over atop his reflection-

-then Matilda woke up again with her fingernails biting into her palms. She was breathing hard. Tears stung her eyes. It was like she was ready to shatter the heavens but forgot why she lifted the hammer. She wanted to kill this very scary thing in the shape of a man. Was she out of her fucking mind? It happened again.

"You're the one who will be betrayed three times." She saw a black claw scratch thoughtfully at his brick shaped chin. "But who else is left to do so?"

Matilda was already trying to run before he turned his burning eye on her. The chalk white birch was not hers she had come to understand and neither was the gnarled, twisted oak. But those trees were within her tree. What did that mean? The headache pounded behind her eyes mercilessly as she stumbled away from the kilted stranger under her. No matter how much distance she put between them, he seemed to be right at her heels.

He yawned. It was sounded like a bored earthquake. "The ash tree lass. You see it and you understand what must happen. Running obviously is no help here."

Her voice caught in her throat. Matilda wanted to curse him for-for someone. The words were in her mind but her tongue felt stupid. She saw the ash tree. She knew she had to go to it but the words seemed to overlap in her head about being betrayed three times. This was the third. Was he wrong? Was she the one who would do it? Had she heard these words before truly. "You are smarter than those two even if you are inexperienced." The admiration from him made her angry but she didn't know why. "A pity your caution cannot undo any of this. You have my sympathy." Then he turned away from her. She felt his malicious glee as she walked towards the slender ash tree. Younger? The thought was deja vu.

Matilda didn't wait to touch it. She wanted this humiliation to be over with however. "Blimey." She looked directly into the eye of some kilt wearing wanker. "Last time I get drunk with satyrs, I'll tell ya that much."

"Do you know why you're here?" He was doing a bad job of being a human. Couldn't blame the bloke though. Fitting a dragon into a man was no easy task. Cu Matilda. Shite. She should've been more alert. A fucking dragon in a man. Who would do such an unholy thing? But she knew the answer to that.

"Because two versions of me fucked up somewhere and I'm destined to be the third." She leaned heavily on her ash, taking strength in its familiarity. The universe beneath her was overlapped by other versions of itself. Quantum entanglement. This was a crossroads of a crossroads made for a single purpose and there was nothing she could do about it.

Power of Three bloody fucking moment. She ran her fingers through her hair. No shaved sides. She looked at her clothes. They were the ones that the newest Matilda had worn. No enchanted leather jacket but a the flannel of a farmer with the dirty jeans to match. Her inevitable decision would effect her. "I am waiting."

"Relax mate. Time is relative and all that shite." She leaned on the tree, drawing more of herself into this reality. "Ain't like I'm not gonna do what I got to eh?"

"I am impatient to see how I will be named. Ah by the look on your face, I can tell I have the right Matilda. That is what you do?"

"Aye. You guessed it. Why in such a hurry? If I name you, I have power over you." He was grinning like an idiot now. So, it was exactly what she feared. Matilda cursed. Gods and monsters! Had all of them not collectively tried to avoid this? She had no sodding idea how he would manifest to the rest of the Yggdrisil. Would they have to fight him in multiple places? Would he just haunt them?

"But that power depends on my name as you well know." He paced like a child waiting for a toy. "Stop delaying the inevitable. You have no tricks Matilda. If you had known beforehand perhaps," He shrugged. "but in a way you did, didn't you?"

Utter humiliation. That's what she felt when she awoke into this dream. On some small level, the newly awakened Matilda had known she had lost even if she didn't fully comprehend how. So it was in them all. The will to resist. She hoped this Matilda would hold onto that even after she betrayed her.

"Nidhogg." She spat. "You're fucking Nidhogg you piece of garbage." Even before she finished, what was left of Briec tore away Nidhogg unfurled itself from within him.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

A Journal By Some Guy 81

Dear Journ

Why do I have a picture of Guts from Berzerk here? I'll answer that soon enough.

I was a bit sick a day ago. Everyone was down with the flu. I stayed home and nursed mine as I felt it was coming my way. Add to the fact that I had to run errands for the sicker of my household and one can see how I might be a bit worn out.

Usually after doing something strenuous, I take some time for myself to unwind and decompress. I don't think that's a bad thing Journ. However, and I say this honestly, I wanted to procrastinate. I was in the right mood to do nothing. Sick and tired should be enough of an excuse right? Right?

A younger me would have agreed but present me said no.

I studied instead. I was reminded of a quote which basically said, you gotta do what everyone else won't do to get ahead. Time is always frittering away even when you use it for something constructive, in other words, figure out what you're going to waste your time doing. Watching Bojack Horseman isn't going to help me take this CPT test and not passing it won't get me out of my current job.

Sacrifice. What will you give up for the thing you want so badly Journ? You'd like to think that there is a way around this; you're wrong. To move forward you leave something behind even if it's for a short time. Goofing off on the computer is standing in one place. It's a temporary diversion at best. It's not like it's going anywhere which is kinda the point.

Back to the pic.

On a Facebook group they had a meme featuring some of the best swordsmen in manga. Kenshin from the manga of the same name was there along with Jin from Samurai Champloo and Afro from, well, Afro Samurai.

Guts wasn't on there and it wasn't until somebody commented him as their favorite swordsmen did I realize this was a grievous error. Guts without question would destroy everyone on that list literally. Destroy as in dismember, disembowel, squash, and decimate and he would do so with brutal efficiency.

But why would he Journ? It isn't because he's the best swordsman or some preternatural skill or ability. Guts would win because he pushes himself harder than any foe or obstacle. His enemies are always impossible, human or no. He always is at a disadvantage and that's not counting the lack of a forearm or an eye. He never even gives himself time to doubt; he is that close to dying. There is no time. Either he's figured out how to win or he survives until he does. If not that, then he'd be dead.

I'm not a swordsman (yet) but I understand that drive. My struggle isn't life or death in the sense of me fighting for my life. My contest is struggling for the life that I want. It's not oh man, I'm tired. Let's put this off. It's, This fucking book is Griffith and Griffith WILL die. I'm not going to rest until I wring the last bit of life from him. I want my twisted grin to be the last thing he sees so that he will beg for the Hell he is to burn in.

Giving up before you try is worst than losing and not having the mind to know that you must is worse than death.

I am not going to lose because I can't afford to. It's not about the money. It's not about proving myself to anyone. I know it would kill me to let this turn into some half-baked scheme and me pussing out because it's easy. No. Fight. Always. Fight until you can't so that when you close your eyes, you have no regrets. You did everything that you could.

Like Guts said, I'd rather be fighting for my life than living it. But only when you struggle do you improve. Only when you fight are you truly alive.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

A Journal By Some Guy 80

Dear Journ,

I'm going to tell you a story about a story I won't tell you.

Last night, I was over a friend of mine's house for some drinking and smoking as I tend to do from time to time. Work always makes for erratic scheduling which means I miss opportunities to socialize so I was determined to make time for him if I could after missing previous engagements.

While I was there, I made the acquaintance of someone from an old job of mine. Surprisingly, we actually talked which for me is more listening than anything. He spoke about his car troubles and having to sell his bike in order to cover the cost of repairing it.

Between my friend grilling and being a great host, somehow we drifted into to talking about his time in the military, in particular the Navy.

He saw some very strange things in the Navy. Unsettling things. Not necessarily shocking in the sense of the brutality or cruelty of war but of seeing things that would change the way you looked at the world.

The tale I will not repeat. Why Journ? Because like he said, you wouldn't believe it. In fact, I asked why didn't he tell the world about this if it was true? Why didn't anyone censor him?

I asked the same question, he said with a far away look in his eyes. They said I could tell whoever I wanted. Friends. Family. It didn't matter because no one would believe me.

They kept saying, "Don't worry. It's OK." over and over again until I was saying it too. Like I was brainwashed...

But everything wasn't OK. He had dreams about what he saw he said. He didn't want to believe that what he witnessed was real or what it could mean. I burned to know but his demeanor told me it was wiser if I didn't.

My friend is cracking up listening to him and in all fairness, it was a tall enough tale to dismiss outright. Part of me wants to as well.

But the look, in his eyes Journ let me know that he believed what he was saying and that as outlandish as the whole thing was, that wouldn't change even as he wished it would.

I read people Journ. Not as well as I should because I am largely indifferent but it is a skill as natural as breathing in my mother's brood. In this guy, as he was telling the story, I sensed that profound listlessness of someone lost and not quite knowing what to do. He knew it was pointless to tell this story and yet he told it. I sleep better when I tell someone he said and that much I believed without skepticism.

I do not think I can repeat this tale Journ, ever. It seems too fantastic a thing not to be in a movie or something and I was told so by my friend. It would be perfectly ethical if I made it to be as story of some sorts. Something that big moving that fast....

But I won't even do that Journ and stories are meant to be shared. Not this one though. The pointless task of repeating makes my nihilism rise.

I will pay attention though as there is more going on in the world than I am allowed to know.