Apologies. I didn't mean to be away for so long but, you know, work. One of the guys quit like I knew he would and so....well work.
Allow me to keep this entry simple. It's theme is fairly straightforward. I'll be going over what has been on my my mind these last few days by connecting to an object. They'll be in small bites so you won't choke on my narcissism.
I choose the light bulb as it represents the notion of an idea succinctly. It happens like that Journ. Suddenly there is a click and everything is illuminated as if you only then realize that you were in the dark.
I have ideas all the time Journ. Most of them are bad like, a man with a clock for a heart. How do I even make that cool? If the clock runs out does he die? I don't know Journ. I just put clock and heart together and got Clockheart which got me all excited for nothing. This is how my mind works. I'm just throwing shit against the wall and wondering what will stick.
Lately, I've been thinking about a fighting game and oh boy Journ, the shit actually stuck. That gives me life you know, when an idea is actually not crap. The Clone said something to the effect of I want a fighting game but it can't be like Street Fighter or anything because, you know, they're milking that cow to death. This is how the duo works Journ. I'm given a prompt and told to work with it like I can randomly crank out notion after notion automatically.
Fortunately, he's right.
It didn't come to me all at once Journ because a fighting game has to have mechanics in order to work and for it not to be in a 2D plane made it harder to get inspired.
I sat on it for weeks until recently someone mentioned on Facebook the music from Streets of Rage 2. As you surely don't know Journ, I listen to video game and anime music more than anything else and Streets has some pretty baddass tracks. So after Under Logic, Go Straight, Slow Moon, and Dreamer, I got my mojo going for this idea. It took me some struggle but I'm fairly certain that an in depth system for a fighting game in a 3D plane.
And yes I would tell you how it works Journ but the Clone always give me that Don't tell nobody because they might steal it thing and I typically honor that request. I'll say this though, he probably won't like some of my character ideas. Two are openly gay and one trans I'm thinking. I can't see the game without them in it but the Clone is more conservative than I am.
If you ever catch me mumbling Journ, I'm not crazy, I'm creating. I'm a little mad doctor at times. Pardon my eccentricity won't you?
At my job, I have to where this bright orange shirt. How bright is it you ask?
Sooooooo bright Journ. If I'm next to something white, it turns orange. If it had a volume, it would be all the way up and the nob thrown into the abyss.
I mention this shirt because of the slew of odd things that happen to me for wearing it.
It's early in the morning a week or so back. The Clone is driving me to work. Car trouble and all that Journ. You know.
So we're at this light. There's a guy walking his dog at six-ish in the morning. He says "Hello" to me as the Clone drives off. We're both quiet for a breath when I say Who says 'hi' to random people in cars? The Clone is like Umm yeah. That was kinda strange.
The exact thing happened recently. It's after work. I'm tired and driving through the parking lot. I am not in the mood for shit Journ. My face always shows that.
As I pass this couple, while I'm in a car, driving, looking ahead, mug as mean as a pissed off rattlesnake, this guys says Hello.
I ignore it because what would be the point of saying 'hi' to someone that's driving? They must be talking to someone else otherwise...
Guess who's waving in my rearview? Like really Journ?
I hate that shirt Journ. I do. I always get unwanted attention and besides it being a bright eyesore, I can't see any other reason I would. I don't like talking to random people. I'm an introvert. Exchanges with other humans drains me like you wouldn't believe.
And this shirt by correlation drains me as well.
I have this bottle of cologne that I always use. It happens to be a gift from my ex.
I don't know where she got it from or what the name of it is exactly. The lettering on the bottle is too faded for me to make out anything. All I know is that she would put it on me to make sure I smelled good.
It's almost gone Journ. There's maybe an eighth left.
When I first noticed this, I tried not to feel anything because of it. We're done Journ. It's all in the past. There's no building that bridge again.
And yet, I've been hesitant to keep using it.
When I ask myself why Journ, I don't get an answer. I can't make sense of why I should care about some cologne just because it came from her. It should mean nothing only I'm fairly certainly it can't.
The Clone, Lo, my mother, I don't think anyone liked her. I was always told I could do better but inside I knew I couldn't.
I roll the bottle in my palm, wondering if I'm enamoured with the melancholy of my nostalgia. Were things really that good or am I coloring gray memories? I'm not sure.
The only thing I do know Journ is that I truly loved her and that our parting was my fault. At the time, I'd have painted a different picture. I'd have blamed her immaturity and accused her of dragging me down into her mediocrity.
I know Journ, I was a complete asshole for thinking that way. Let the reprimands come and the male bashing be welcomed. I deserve that because it wasn't that she wasn't good enough for me, I was never good enough for her. That's quite clear to me now. I wasn't man enough to stick out with her when things went south. I was all talk. She wanted to cash in my promises and found out they were counterfeit.
Terrible Journ. I was a terrible boyfriend when it really counted. A coward to be blunt. She believed in the lie that I was.
The worse part for me Journ was not being able to say I'm sorry. Not I'm sorry for running out on you when shit hit the fan but I'm a sorry human being and I should have let you know that before you put your faith in me. That is my ultimate regret Journ because being who I was at the time, I could never have kept her but the least I could do is let her know why and give her some closure. No one should cry or suffer because of my foolishness and she did just that because she loved me.
I don't know Journ, about this bottle of cologne. Now I'm thinking I don't even deserve to put it on my skin.